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Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong.

20 January 2012 • supreme court scotus the onion

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In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to the point where it could readily be grasped by anyone with the vocabulary of an 8-year-old. “Instead of saying, ‘There are many global variables at work here, and unless they all fall into place, we could find ourselves back in a recession,’ he should have just said, ‘Times are hard. We gotta be strong,’” said Washington Post political correspondent Brian Meltzer, noting that Obama’s statement during a speech on job creation was met with dumbfounded looks and audible gasps from the crowd. “Americans are so used to meaningless homespun homilies, they don’t know what to do when they’re treated like thinking adults. The president has to understand that if he goes out there throwing around words like ‘currency’ and ‘economy,’ he’ll end up being branded an elitist.” In an attempt to correct the error, Obama concluded his speech with the words “Jobs good. No jobs bad. God bless America.”

7 December 2011 • obama gaffe The Onion

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9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders Found At Ground Zero | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where it has been located for the past 10 years. “On the one hand, it’s pretty miraculous that there was a precisely shaped 80-by-80-foot swastika found in the rubble of the fallen World Trade Center, but in the end, we decided not to include it in our plans for the museum,” said memorial spokesman Stanley Morgenstern, adding that it would probably be seen as inappropriate. “Although you’ve got to admit that it is pretty incredible. Mathematically, what are the odds? It’s amazing but, perhaps, not right for what we are trying to achieve with the museum.” Upon hearing the news, neo-Nazi groups have complained about the exclusion, arguing that the giant swastika is “a sign from heaven” and that “9/11 affected all Americans, including those who believe in the inherent genetic superiority of the Aryan race.”

15 September 2011 • ground zero cross 9/11 the onion

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Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

“I don’t think I can vote for someone like that,” Pennsylvania Republican Eric Tolbert said. “He says he’s sorry, but how do I know that’s the real Mitt Romney? What happens if he gets elected and tries to help sick people again?”

“I like Michele Bachmann now,” Tolbert added. “Because what this country needs is a president who doesn’t give a fuck about helping people.”

27 April 2011 • romney the onion don't vote for this tool politics

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